Dr. Google. Really, it’s a blessing and a curse, having a sleuth of information at the palm of your hands. What would you like to know today? Hey, just google it. In my situation, I’m usually left coming to the conclusion that I am, in fact, dying, or might already be dead. However, sometimes looking symptoms up can help (and I mean sometimes.)
It’s no secret that Wesley is plagued with glaucoma. He’s already been a brave little warrior and has endured four surgeries, and each time I curl up in a ball and I cry until I can’t cry anymore. The love of my life deserves a break. He’s only 1!
Now, I am aware that there is a possibility that Wesley’s eyes will never be as functional as kids his age. Still, every time the doctor sees him, she seems to think his eyes are developing just fine. About a week ago, I noticed that Wesley likes to shake his head around when he gets excited. He works himself up, then starts shaking his head around like he’s saying “no” but really really fast! At first, I thought that this behavior was just silly, as if he were playing a game. Then, his father looked at me and said “is he okay?” So, naturally, I freaked out, and I went straight to Dr. Google. And what did I find? I found that this behavior can be a sign of autism.
Hasn’t my boy been through enough? Are we now just piling one set back on top of another? So I asked my best friend, who is a behavioral therapist, what she thought. She told me that despite my concern, he is hitting his milestones. However, he does seem overly “sensory.” These signs are not immediately a concern for autism, but rather, that he might not be seeing as well as the doctor thinks.
As a mother, this is equally as devastating to hear. ANYTHING that plagues our sweet babies hurts our heart. To know that he may have the vision problems developing despite his countless surgeries, leaves me feeling defeated. Every small thing that happens or that I notice, it leaves me feeling as if I’ve failed the love of my life.
Am I the only one? Likely not. Still, my anxiety and panic sets in when I even think about something else being wrong with Wesley. But you know what? I can’t let this get in the way of me striving to be there for him in any and every way that he needs, even if these needs are different than what I may have anticipated. What is googling symptoms doing but causing me to go down one rabbit hole after another? Breathe, and keep going! I’ll do whatever I need to do for my sweet boy to grow and to thrive. One day at a time.
And I’ll say this, too- maybe next time, don’t Google it.