Turning into

I haven’t seen him in a long time, relatively
still I see him all the time, if you know what I mean.

When he was with me, my thoughts would flow out of my brain like the waves from the ocean, they were easy and fluid and sometimes rough around the edges. I used my energy on sifting through meanings inside of emotions with a fine-tooth comb, one that I controlled the pace of, one that I held carefully between my hands. Then he left, or I left, or something. Now, I use my energy sifting through which thoughts are acceptable to share with anyone at all.

It took me a long time after we parted to figure out what gaslighting meant.
It took me a long time to figure out that I didn’t have to be sorry for being hurt.

He came to me while I was in and out of sleep last night and I sat across from him. I saw her reflection in his eyes and I wanted to ask him why it was me who he had to bully, why it was me who had to be the one to bear all his burdens, to feel all his pain, to be crushed under the weight of who he was, but all I could do was close my eyes for twenty seconds or two hours at a time, I’ll never know how much time really did pass.

Sometimes I am strong and sometimes I cannot eat.
Sometimes I am a lion and sometimes I am the injured calf.
Nothing is certain, anything is possible, in no particular order.

When he was with me, I didn’t realize that I was standing in the middle of an inferno that someone else was eventually going to put out.
I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I don’t want to, anymore.
Sometimes, it takes a while for things to change, sometimes they never do.

Sometimes, everything changes.

Today, I think I will try to be the lion.


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